Today I stayed off my phone for the most part. I kept myself busy cleaning and watching shows on Hulu. I have decided that I will start working out every morning and get myself physically and mentally healthy. I want to finally feel happy and confident with who I am and what I am working toward. I think that when I live my life without any obtainable goals, I feel as though I am not living for a purpose. I feel like I am wasting my life or useless, especially when the depression hits hard. On that note I have decided that I want to work toward applying to the police academy. This is a relatively new goal that I have set my sights on. If I can push myself to meet the physical requirements, I can easily obtain this goal. Other than being in shape I must have a valid license and a vehicle to get to the academy every day. Which means I need to work toward getting a vehicle. These are things that I can obtain if I just allow myself to ask for help when needed, step back when I am overwhelmed, and push myself through the tough times. My therapist says I need to end each day by reflecting on one good thing that has happened today. The thing that I can say that was good today was I was able to be alone all day and not feel so empty and sad. I was actually content, and I also got to reflect on everything I mentioned above.
Depression is- according to Webster’s dictionary- “a mood disorder marked especially by sadness, inactivity, difficulty in thinking and concentration, a significant increase or decrease in appetite and time spent sleeping, feelings of dejection and hopelessness, and sometimes suicidal tendencies.” That is what this blog is about. Not enough people can address depression in the world without feeling little, weak, or like they are broken. I say this because I struggle to this day with speaking about my depression with family members who love me because I am scared that I will appear to be a disappointment, failure, or too broken to be fixed. I know these things are just a combination of the depression, society, and my anxiety telling me these things to keep me down. Depression is a real life monster that convinces people that they should lay down and stay down; I have been sleeping through my depression and watching life pass through my window. I want to say stand, get help, and fight through it.